I was lying, suspended, drifting in nothing but light. Everywhere around me was light. There was nowhere that was not light. Light as far as I could see. Light, I knew, further than I could see. This light was very bright but in no way at all did it hurt my sight. This light had a singular property that is utterly indescribable in the extent and scope of its sheer magnitude. The singular property of this light was one of absolute love. This love was utterly unreserved, completely unbounded, and utterly infinite in its scope.
This love was possessed of a personality of which I could feel with every fiber of my being flow into me, through me, touching every single part of me. There was no part of me that was not touched by this love. There was no part of me that was not to its completely essential core utterly permeated by this love. I know of no sensation ever given to me, that in any way approaches the extent of the sensation freely extended to me by this being without reservation. This being, this light, was total love.
Within that total love there came also the knowing of the intelligence and wisdom of this being for I was bathed and permeated by this also. The extent of the intelligence and wisdom of this being, of this light, was utterly indescribable other than to call it infinite. This intelligence and wisdom was of a magnitude that knew that there was nothing that was outside its compass, that knew there was nothing of which it was not aware, that knew there was nothing that was outside its scope.
As someone sitting here trying (and failing) to write about the un-writeable I have no option but to drop the pen and say that in the extent of its power and its magnitude without limit this being was awesome in its beauty. There are no words that can describe this being and its sheer magnificence in its magnitude. However, it has to be said, that all of this, all that it was capable of, all that it did, all that it gave, could be reduced to its essential quality, all of it was poured into this one quality without reservation: it was sheer unalloyed love absolute. And this indescribable beauty of it moved through every part of me as if I were being permeated by the very shining itself.
I have written what I have written immediately above so that what I write now can be understood (to some extent) û I need to prepare the reader for the sensations that came upon me immediately I entered this light. So what follows now is, initially, a backtracking to the point where I found myself in the light.
I was lying, suspended, drifting in nothing but light. I could see that my bodily position was one of lying as if at an angle of around thirty-degrees with my arms, like my legs, lying outspread from my body. I was, if you like, lying in a ‘prone’ position. Seeing myself this way lying in that light lasted only what could have been a fraction of a second. Suddenly, almost instantaneously, on this light exploding, coming into being around me, my sense of expansion of self rocketed to unbelievable proportions, it was as if I had just suddenly exploded outwards in all directions; I could not identify where my ‘self’ was. (This happened very, very quickly on this light coming into being.) It was in this state that I first became aware of wave upon wave upon wave of love moving into and through me from every spatial direction imaginable. I became aware of love coming into being inside me and radiating from me in wave upon wave upon wave without remission, and directed at, I knew not what. Then I became aware of the presence of a being of a power, magnitude and intelligence that was utterly indescribable and that was this light that I now knew to be here. (What I am trying to indicate here is that on first finding myself ‘inside the light’ is that I ‘exploded’ in size to unbelievable magnitude and that, in terms of having an identifiable ‘form’ I just completely disappeared. Literally, I became one with what that light was, strange though it may sound it was as if I in some way became the light, I was completely merged with it. That lasted I do not how long, it could have been twenty seconds, it just as easily have been for eternity. Once that ‘having no form of my own’ ended it was like I re-formed into an identifiable form ‘out of the light’, as though I was extruded from it, though I was still in the light and still experienced my self to be, psychologically, massive in size, but I had ‘regained’ an identifiable form. Sorry, I’m finding this extremely difficult to put in words. It was like, briefly, becoming the light itself, and losing form because of that, then, once that part was over, reforming again but still being left in the light.)
Then it came upon me that I knew I was inside this being and it inside me. We were merged so that there was no separation û and yet I also knew that I existed, as did it, as a discrete entity. (This I know sounds like an impossible paradox to us here. But there, this is easy. There this is perfectly natural. I had, after all, already experienced this to some extent with ‘the stars’.) As I became aware of this being that was moving in me and around me and I in it; as I became aware of its properties and of its indescribable magnitude I felt arise in me a sense of reverential awe. I also felt rise in me a sense of my own indescribable thankfulness to be united with it again. I have to say that this was a strong sensation in this experience û it really was as if some part of me knew about this place already. As if some part of me did have a sensation of knowing of these things and beings from before. (Though I did not know how I could be coming to think-feel these things, nor did I question this in any way û that was a matter of no interest to me at all.)
I transmitted (communicated) my thought-feeling sense of reverence and thankfulness to this being. It was not necessary for me to do this as it already knew. It did however thank me for this with more love, which I knew it would not have withheld anyway. I surrendered myself to this being, I wanted to be open to this being, I wanted to be so close to this being forever. We united in mutual love. I could not begin to describe the comprehensiveness of this union. There is no union like this in ordinary existence between people on Earth. This is love expressed with no barrier of any form between the direct experience of the love of the other which is now not other. The sensations generated by union in this condition are beyond belief in their scope and in their subtlety. Again it is only able to point at by metaphor. I remind the reader of the ‘one, two or three instruments’ analogy. Here was an entire philharmonic orchestra composed of millions upon millions upon millions of instruments.
I have mentioned before that communication here is by direct transference of thought-feeling to the extent that thought and feeling are not separate facets of a communication. I have also mentioned that this is an incredibly subtle form of communication system. Likewise I have mentioned that the whole is conducted in a fashion which can (with the limited means available to me for description) be compared to the unfolding of a musical score which is literally being played as it is constructed and that there is never a mis-note or dis-chord played as it is constructed. I have also said that (to use the musical analogy) the range of ‘instruments’ available and the tonal affects possible because of that are beyond comparison with anything known to us here. I have also said that out of the communications of individuals a single meta-communication arises out of the multiplicity of the individual communications and all are placed in a situation of communicating with the meta-communication too. It should be borne in mind that all of this happens as a synchronicity. This is not of the nature of a (wordy) linear discourse as we know it. That meta-communication seemed always to be played out (or land at, if you like) a single unifying theme; that unifying theme was always love. This was not a dominating constraint û to all it was always most welcome, most held in high regard û this is, if you like, the culminating point of all communication in this place û love. This, if you like, is the living essence of the harmony among the ‘stars’ (those beings, lights, whatever they were): this communication system that always culminates (though it is an ongoing process and hence does not end) in never-ending love.
It is impossible to describe the subtlety of this type of communication system. However, for what I am trying to describe here it is very important to realize that this system is so dynamic and so subtle that a single communication for a single individual can contain thousands of strands all playing on each other instantaneously and always culminating in love. Thus it should be realized that from a single communication many things can be transmitted within (if one likes) that unifying theme.
As I first became aware of myself within this being of light (after I had ‘re-formed’) and its communication to me of absolute love (and of all that I have written of above) it was made clear to me as part of that ‘initiating’ communication to me that ‘we’ were now to take part in a ‘judgment’. This was made completely clear to me. This did not worry me in any way whatsoever. (When I say ‘judgment’ I would very much underline that there was no prospect of any kind of condemnation involved in this.) I felt so at ease, so nurtured, so wrapped and rapt in the care and concern of this being for me that I knew it would never ever do anything to harm me. I knew that this being was not human. This being I knew was so unspeakably far above the human that it is impossible to qualify or quantify it in human terms. I knew this being to be utterly powerful yet that I was to be ‘judged’ in no way concerned me at all. In fact, I welcomed it. I welcomed this because I knew that this being was total love. This being despite its magnitude and its power I knew without question was completely benign. There was nothing that this being would ever do to me to harm me – ever. This being was in fact û of its own essence born of the extent of its intelligence and of the sheer depth of its wisdom û incapable of condemnation. To be ‘judged’ by this being is to be exposed to its total love for you.
As this being, this light, conjoined me in and with its love, and I returned mine to it, so that both merged together so that neither existed except the two in the one I knew (it did let me know) that it was ‘looking’ for something. It was feeling its way through and around me (though I stress it was also it in me, or me in it) searching for that upon which ‘judgment’ could be made. This needs some qualification.
It has to be realized that this ‘judgment’ is not a matter of the sole-discretion of this being. This ‘judgment’ is still conducted within the parameters that I have attempted to describe above of the communication system there. This ‘judgment’ is one in which that individual who is being ‘judged’ is utterly and intimately involved in their own ‘judgment’.
I have since having had this experience read of some other accounts of this part of the death process and have read that some people actually see images or aspects of their lives played out for them, as if a ‘review’ was being made. This did not happen to me. Yet I did know that I was being ‘judged’, or rather that I was participating in a ‘judgment’. I knew that this light, this beautiful Being was ‘sifting through me’. Looking for something, gauging something, vibrations, frequencies, taking them into its love, knowing the whole. This did not feel intrusive, I was happy for this being to ‘look at me’ in this way, I welcomed it, and loved it for this thing. And I knew that it was on this thing that ‘judgment’ was based. This is ‘judgment’ based on the essence of you within an intimacy that would simply be impossible on any understanding we have in ordinary life. This ‘judgment’ has as its basis the answer to a single question which would translate to something quite precise û What is, was, the essence of your love? If you like, in a summative sense of the whole, what vibration, or frequency, did your love resonate at? Wave after wave after wave of love washed through me from this being û and I returned this to it. Then there was what I can only describe as something like a pause, it was clear that the ‘judgment’ was over.
I knew that I was still in the being, and it in me. I knew that I was still bathed in the light. But now everything had gone silent. I was no longer subject to wave upon wave upon wave of love flowing all around and through me. Everything had gone silent. I lay in the light in a state of absolute peace and calm. In a silence of feeling the like of which I have never known before or since and which could only be described as pure peace in rest and acceptance…
Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience? Yes A specific after effect of the NDE was that though I knew that ‘God’ existed I could not bring myself to call it ‘God’. To explain: that being of light that I was with I think many people would have no difficulty in saying that that was God. I regard it as such. However, the difficulty I have with that is that the word God in no way comes anywhere near doing what it is any justice. It was way beyond any imaginings that I used to have in trying to conceive of what God meant, or what God might be. It is truly awesome. So I ended up in a position of knowing (very different from believing) that God exists but unable to call it, or refer to it as ‘God’ and feel comfortable with that. When I think of it now I think of it as being ‘It’ û much closer to what I experienced. I hope that makes sense.
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened: Experience was definitely real I definitely saw the experience as real. The reality of being there was more real than ordinary everyday reality. I don’t know to say this without sounding hyperbolic, but the whole experience really was super-real or hyper-real. Capacity to experience nuances of emotional states expanded; capacity to communicate expanded even beyond anything that I would regard ‘telepathy’ to be; general awareness expanded; and an experience of that light was unspeakably far beyond anything that I could even remotely dream up. I did not have a single doubt over the reality of the experience. At the time I did not want to speak to anyone about it because I didn’t have a context to put it into (that came later) and knew that if I tried to explain then I might taken as quite out my senses, fobbed off as dreaming or hallucinating.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time: Experience was definitely real Absolutely, definitely, real. I have never had a single doubt on this at any time.
However, as mentioned above, at the time of having the experience I had no context into which to put it. That context came around a year later (1975) when I went into a bookshop to browse around for a book to buy. As it so happened there was a special little display set up for a book that was proclaimed as a new international best-seller. The book was Raymond Moody’s ‘Life After Life’. “Oh,” I thought, “wonder what that is about.”
I picked up a copy and started to dip into it. I couldn’t begin to explain the range of emotions I was feeling as I read this bit, then that bit, then this bit. It quickly became very, very clear that what I was reading was accounts of an experience by people who had been through the same kind of experience that I had been through. It had to be that because they couldn’t be saying what they were saying if they hadn’t had that experience. I was standing there with my jaw dropped in a state of sheer human joy and nearly crying in the shop because of it. I thought I was the only one! But here were accounts by others. The book did not provide proof of the reality of my experience for me, I didn’t need that I never had any doubts of the reality of the experience. What the book did was vindicate my already existing knowing that the experience was real û others had had the same experience too û and it instantly put it into a context that I could see was absolutely right.
I bought the book and spent the rest of that day and night reading it in a state of overwhelming gratitude and joy, often with tears rolling down my face, for what it contained. It also greatly helped me in slotting parts of my experience into a structure that allowed clearer understand of the experience.